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I created a profile identifying myself as a medical writer looking to talk to men about their experiences. Since there’s little published research on the men using Grindr, I decided to conduct an informal survey and ask men why they’re on the app so much and how it’s affecting their relationships and mental health. I am all for sexual liberation, but I can’t stop wondering if these apps also have a negative effect on gay men’s mental health. Apps like Grindr, with 3 million daily active users, and others like Scruff and Jack’d, are designed to help gay men solicit sex, often anonymously, online. Today in Boston, two men can walk down the street holding hands without consequence.īut I’m worried by the rise of the underground digital bathhouse. The Supreme Court ruled that same-sex marriage is a constitutional right. I can filter them by body type, sexual position (top, bottom, or versatile), and HIV status.Īs a gay psychiatrist who studies gender and sexuality, I’m thrilled with the huge strides we’ve made over the past decade to bring gay relationships into the mainstream. Scrolling down, I find 100 similar profiles within a one-mile radius of my apartment in Boston. He’s called “looking4now,” and his profile explains that he wants sex at his place as soon as possible. Write to Observer Review or email Views on each week's problem to reach us by Wednesday.When I open the Grindr app on my smartphone, I see there’s a 26-year-old man with tanned abs just 200 feet away.
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I enjoy reliving old memories with my ex-lover, but should I stop writing? The correspondence is nothing more than friendly but I feel as though I am betraying my husband. He is also married and lives a long way away so it is unlikely we will ever meet. However, for some nostalgic reason, I recently instigated an email correspondence with my old lover and we have begun to write regularly. I am now happily married with two children.
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Ten years ago, I finished a long-term relationship with a man who meant an awful lot to me. I suggest you say sorry and then let it drop. But consenting heterosexual sex is generally above judgment, hence a gay person will rarely take kindly to a straight person commenting on his/her lovemaking. No, it is not homophobic per se to find unappealing the thought of gay male sex. If your friend prefers politically correct lip-service to sincerity you should consider how well you are matched as friends. Yet I have nothing against people who do these things. As a gay man, I shudder at the thought of sex with a woman and am equally repelled by the idea of eating tripe or performing brain surgery. It's not your fault if your friend can't distinguish between physical and moral distaste.
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It's very likely your gay friend would find the thought of you engaged in heterosexual intercourse distasteful, but he's far too courteous to say so. You should extend your tolerance and fine-tune your sensitivity. You may not be prejudiced towards homosexuals, but your frankness was indelicate and impolite. If we were sexually liberated, like some chimpanzees, we wouldn't have all these problems.Īs it is, humans have developed elaborate rituals of courtesy and correctness that serve to protect our more sensitive feelings. We'd rather not think about our parents making love, and young people think sex between old people is disgusting. Human sexual activity is peculiarly secretive and, as a result, we have many mixed emotions about others' sex lives, ranging from prurient curiosity to prudish revulsion. The joy or misery of the moment is instantly affected by approval on the one hand or derogatory comments on the other. This is not an area where issues can be discussed with cold logic. Many gay people go through life in such a state of insecurity, dependent on friends of all types to prop up their shaky self-belief. Stand out from the crowd and you'll risk rejection, with a demolition job on your carefully built edifice. This is why, at vulnerable periods of one's life, like adolescence, it is so important to conform to the peer-group image. For a person's self-esteem to be confident and sturdy, there needs to be a lengthy process of laborious construction, with reinforcements of approval received at regular intervals from one's friends.